I can’t be a stable person.

I can’t be with the people that feel content to have a significant other, go to work and come home and check out on drugs, games, or netflix.

Im going to associate with petty thieves, addicts, artists, certifiable preachers and the homeless, because i want more than my share.

Some of us aren’t going to have a long, happy life.

I may be one of them.

I know it hurts you when i walk out the door and you know this is what im going to do.

It may not be enough to say, now or ever, but im sorry.

I love you.

Facebook is not a medium for discussion, but rather a platform to masturbate life and verbally/visually ejaculate over people you may or may not know.

Not that this is a unwanted thing, however you simply cannot approch a person with the intent of exchanging ideas on the internet.  You are hostile and a threat to their cool internet persona, an invader who must be driven back.

Perhaps its not even facebook, rather the nature of internet society.  If we are not perceived as being like of mind, we cannot expect eachother to see things the other persons way.

That may tie back into this religious and hopeless pursuit of a genuinely unique individual with an untouchable mind and valued opinion that young people are blindly grasping for anymore.

Im willing to change my mind.  Are others not?  Or is there some social faux paus i missed the memo on?

I want fame, but I’m not sure how to get it. Mostly I’m afraid of being taken advantage of because I often give people the advantage of the doubt even when its quite obvious they’re lying to me or trying to get something out of me.

That and I’m not very self motivated. I don’t want to go out the way I am now. I want to be able to have the cash to take care of my folks, moreso than that I want to be able to send them back to nepal again before they go.

I know what I want. Why is getting it so damn hard.

You never remember how a hangover feels until you have one. or how awful your mouth tastes after you accidently smoke a whole pack in 3 hours, or how hard you hack and cough and sputter through work the next day.  all you remember is that your friends were there last weekend, and thats what you did last weekend, and you had an ok enough time to forget about the time you had to waste working during the week to get there.

Then you run out of money and the cycle repeats.

Anyway, met someone.  she may be crazy.  pretty sure she is crazy.  

But she likes adventuring for the fuck of it and isn’t trying to fuck me, so we could have something good here.

Im going to feel kinda bad ditching my other friends to pursue this, but i have a good feeling about it.

New Years was interesting, spent most of my time driving sadly.

As much as i tell everyone that women our age are flakey and not to trust them when it comes to keeping dates, i never heed my own advice, opting to give them the benefit of the doubt even after time and again they change plans, or forget, or just dont pick up the phone at all.  Im not mad, i truly am not.  Its just a disappointment when it happens 5 times in a row and all you can do is light up and walk home.

I ended up having a deep conversation with one of my friends trying to get at the root of his awkardness, i think i helped.  Evidently one of my other friends calls me a “Deus ex Machina” because of the way i arrive and my insight, and the one i was having a conversation with thinks it fits.

I dont know about that, but if telling people how to be more like me makes them feel better i suppose i’ll keep doing it.

FOREVER ALONE.

no, not me, the other guy.

Have you looked at some of the toys people make these days?  this shit is so much more cool than the stuff i had as a kid.  its so tempting to buy some stuff because now im older and have money, but by the same token people will likely judge me pretty hard if they found my room full of toys n shit.

Being a grownup sucks.

is amazing, you should see it twice and buy it.

That said, i feel pretty lonely now :/

feel im going insane.  but its subtle.  like growing up, you dont realize you are til you are and theres nothing you can do about it.

Today, i decided to make myself a lunch, save some money.  as a result, i was late for work.  my boss met me at the door and told me if i couldnt be on time i should just go home.  

I realized i cant afford to lose this job, because its reliable hours, even if i have to work in the elements.  I rely on, NEED, need shitty, awful job if im going to get out of the state.

But then what?  i have no training.  im going to get stuck working shitty awful jobs no matter where i go.  even if i do get training for something, im going to have to settle down in one place in order to work that job.

im finally grasping how fragile my situation is, that one sentence can make a man feel this lost and hopeless.